Mid Life Crisis: Part 2

All right. So we've established some of the motivators for my mid life crisis, the greatest being a bad case of empty nest syndrome, even though the nest is still full.

A few times over the last month, I was looking at adoption websites, where you can see photos of children who are available. If you've never done this, trust me, it's a thoroughly moving experience.

Actually, I have visited these photo listing websites periodically over the last 7 years, give or take. And sadly, there were always plenty of children to choose from - from handicapped children to children with no real problems beyond really needing a family.

On my recent visits, I found lots of children I could just fall in love with, all of them tugged at my heart. There were children whose parents may have died or simply not been suitable parents, and then there were the children who, like Shane, had been sexually abused, and then there were the children with severe handicaps, like Downs or even more serious problems, who were simply given away because their parents couldn't - or wouldn't - deal with a handicapped child.

If any of my children had been born handicapped, I would have done what I needed to do to raise them with everything they needed. Adopting a handicapped child is something entirely different, and it takes a very special person.

I know that I am not in a position to take on child with a serious handicap or severe behavioral and emotional problems. It's not that I couldn't love such a child, because in truth, they would be easiest to love because they would need me most. It's that I *know* I am not equipped with the time, energy or money necessary to give these children the kind of help they deserve. These children need a lot more than just love and a normally dysfunctional family to call their own.

I also know that I want a baby - or at least a very young child. But I am open to sibling groups of 2 or 3.

But I quit looking at the websites around the first week of February, because I don't want to rush into anything. Adoption is a lifetime commitment - it's not like when Jacob turned 4 and I went through the "OMG, I'll never have a baby again" phase and raced out and got the smallest dog I could find without giving myself that 24 hour "think it over" period. THAT was a mistake. I love dogs, but I'm not really a dog person. And I love Riley, but he has been my trial (he's a toy fox terrier).

But the baby bug has been biting regularly, even though I'm trying to ignore it. Like I said in my earlier post, I see a little kid on TV with little chubby hands, and I want to hold those baby hands, and kiss those pouty lips, and rock them to sleep. And I dozed off Saturday afternoon while watching a movie with the kids, and I dreamed about a baby - a little girl, about 8 months old, and she was mine. And the dream was so good, I didn't want to wake up.

On Sunday, I sat down at the computer, and went to a photo listing site, and started looking at children. I found 2 sibling groups. The first was a 1, 2 and 6 year old (2 boys, the oldest a girl), and all were healthy, and the oldest had apparently missed a lot of school and needed special education to catch up - but other than that, this was 3 little kids who needed love and a family, and these things I have. The second was a 1, 3 and 7 year old (1 boy, and the oldest and youngest are girls) - very much like the first group, except that the baby had shaken baby syndrome, and they weren't sure of the extent of her injuries (though I'm guessing she wasn't blind or deaf or mentally retarded as a result of the injuries, because they would have been able to tell these things right away - so that leaves learning disabilities, possible seizures, and some other problems that might turn up as she gets older. Or, if she's lucky, she might end up OK).

It's a good thing these kids were on the other side of the country, because they are the kind of kids who you could fall in love with from their stories and their pictures alone.

I've been telling my mother some of what is going on with this mid life crisis, and she 1) admitted she went through it, too, and 2) thinks I'm out of my mind for even considering getting another child(ren).

My son just shook his head and said, "Mom, I'm going to have kids in a few years, so you'll have grandkids." (yeah, but they won't live close enough to visit too often as long as he's in the military.)

My daughter went through the whole range of emotions - first she was excited ("I want Rachel" - the baby with shaken baby syndrome), then she was jealous ("but you're OUR mother"), then she was logical ("you can't afford more kids"), then she was selfish ("I suppose this means I'm going to have to babysit them all?"), and then she was accepting ("Well, if we're going to do this, I hope you choose Rachel and her brother and sister"). BTW, this was all within the space of an hour that she experienced a range of emotions that should have taken her months.

My youngest liked the idea of having more kids in the family. He's the only "baby" of the family (who has been babied a little, to boot) that I've ever encountered that is so extremely gentle with younger children, and has never experienced jealousy when it comes to adult attention (I'm sure other kids like this exist, I just haven't met them). But after an afternoon of being excited about the possibility of getting more siblings, he looked at me, and very seriously said, "Well, Mom, before you do this, you need to think about it." I thought I was in for a lecture like my daughter had given me, but then Jacob said, "Before you get a baby, you need to make sure you have baby oil, diapers and the other things a baby will need." Yes, that's my Jake.

Fortunately, adoption is not as easy as picking out a child and picking it up and taking it home. There are home studies that take time, there are applications, and there are other things that take time. So I canNOT really rush into this.

Then there's the fact that my house is a work in progress (the things the previous owners did to it should be a crime), and though no one is going to take my kids away from me because it needs so much work (I've been remodeling and fixing it forever it seems), I do not know that I could pass the portion of the home study that included the condition of my house because there is just so much that needs done for it to be the home I've envisioned it *could* be! Right now, it's absolutely in a state of ongoing renovation.

I'm not worried about the monthly expenses of raising 1, 2 or 3 additional children. That I know I can do. However, the school clothes and supplies each year would be a major expense, my Christmas expenses would double, as would Easter, birthdays, etc. But I don't doubt that I could swing all this.

Probably the greatest difficulty would be increased medical expenses if the children did not qualify for the state insurance (but if I'm understanding it correctly, both these groups of children would), and the initial expenses - of the adoption itself, including legal fees, and what I'd have to do to get ready for more children who were young.

Yes, I've already thought that over. I'd need beds and possibly a crib. I wouldn't need to buy 100% of the clothes that they would need because I still have lots of beautiful clothes for boys and girls - but I would definitely still need a lot of clothes. And some toy boxes, and some new toys (though I think I have enough toys in my house right now - for all ages - to satisfy most kids).

See, I do all this thinking (obsessing) and planning (obsessing), and 1) I don't know if my home would pass inspection because the renovation is far from complete, and 2) I don't know if I have too many animals (I've unintentionally become a cat rescuer, and I've got a bunch of them - fixed, declawed and clean, but Heaven forbid any child have allergies), and 3) there's still the question of whether I'm mentally stable - after all, I'm considering this all to begin with.

I'm kind of hoping on one hand that if I actually write it all out, it will knock some sense into me. On the other hand, I figure if it doesn't, perhaps it's the right thing to do.